Awkward hugging

Typical response I would get during a hug

For about half my life I didn't know how to properly hug a person (blame my parents).  Such an easy task right. NAAAAAH, it really wasn't. My folks aren't big with expressing love and how they are feeling. In fact, I don't even remember a time when I saw my parents hugging each other (weird). But, when I went in to give hugs for some reason my head would land on their chests and I would give the person an awkward squeeze along with a pat (shakes head what was I thinking). It wasn't until I got to college ( I think, only time I recall as of now) that my friends would make fun of me about it. Here I was thinking it was normal but I was dead wrong.  So lets back track, growing up I had a big issue with people invading my personal space. I just didn't like people coming in close contact with me with out my permission especially to give me hugs. But there would be times when I would let my guard down for a few minutes (due to excitement) and by chance let someone hug me, which then would result in the awkward hugging. I'm laughing as I write this now because it took me a while to get over the fear of letting someone get close to me. Sometimes I find myself cringing in anticipation of a hug from someone I am interested in after a date, because I think about what I use to do wrong in the past and really want to avoid repeating that bad behavior in that current situation.  Note to my future children: be prepared for random hugs from me, EVERYWHERE we go.

From 5-25

At age 5, I was a bubbly, outgoing, cheerful child. I loved meeting new people and going to different places. I enjoyed being around older people (as always have).  I had a big imagination and loved asking questions. Mom: why did God create us? Mom: what is my purpose her? Mom: why cant we do this or that? Most of my questions were direct to my mom because I didn't think my father would entertain me.  I use to spend a great deal of time playing out side in my backyard just daydreaming about how my life would turn out. At one point I wanted to be an astronaut, somehow I thought that would help me to get closer to God. I also wanted to become a doctor because I wanted to save lives. Thought about becoming a teacher as well lol.  

However, as I got older something changed. I cant recall when or why? But I stopped imagining. I stopped asking questions. Might have been the fact that I didn't have time to sit and play any more, I was growing up and reality was sinking in. Now, age 25, I am completely DIFFERENT from my childhood self.  Life, such as work, finances, etc. has consumed all of my creativity. Being an adult is so stressful I'm finding. I don't take time for myself as much (well that was while I was working). Just like every other human, I have just been going through the motions of life. Like who has time to sit around and play in the grass now! 

So while I am in the process of job hunting and finding a  different career path, (whatever that is) I want to focus on "finding myself". I really hate that term because what does that even mean but at the moment it works. Maybe, this blog will help me put things into perspective (I'm hoping).  I really want to figure out what my skills are, what I enjoy doing best, what makes Rollo happy?  Any one else going through anything similar?